The Not so Thankful, Thanksgiving…

Before this day, everyone envisions how they plan for it to go. Laughs, sips of wine, plenty of food to feed an army, and a genuine good time with the family- blood or not. Just a day to forget about the nonsense, and enjoy being with the ones you love. Maybe that’s not everyone’s vision, but that was mine. After years of dealing with my mothers addiction, and wishing for us to be together for the holidays- I’m starting to feel like “I need to be careful of what I ask for” 6 months of her in recovery, the entire summer of not talking to my little brother, and being the link between my mom and one of her best friends- I really thought this holiday was going to be happy. Even if it was just for 24 hours- all I wanted was for the “element” of family to exist. Sure we have issues, and issues that need to be resolved; but I really thought that we were all going to pull it together, and make this happen. But my dream blew up in my fucking face!
Already irritated because I did all of the cooking myself, I looked beyond that and held it together because I just wanted this moment- but it looks like as much of a poker face I put on- things still managed to crumble.
As I mentioned my mom’s in recovery, so the rehabilitation center that she is located at- of course has a no tolerance policy for substances legal and not legal.- So she gets here and sure we have some alcohol in the house- it’s the holidays right! Well she takes it to the extreme and manages to get pissy drunk right before guest were supposed to arrive. So to spare the embarrassment, we had to cancel our dinner! All this fuckin food I made, the money spent, and the effort to make this day possible- all pissed down the drain. It’s upsetting, because today meant a lot to me. I looked forward to this day, and was so excited- that I didn’t allow myself to expect the worse. Which is where I went wrong.

To everyone else, all I can say is appreciate your family and cherish the good moments, because there comes a point where those will remain memories- and when things change, they don’t go back to what you’re used too.

Happy Turkey Day Beauties 🙂

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Second Chances Don’t Come Too Often…

God forces you, to appreciate the little moments, that make wonderful memories-because you never know when he will call you home.

God forces you, to appreciate the little moments, that make wonderful memories-because you never know when he will call you home.

Novemember 17,2014 – Is a day I will never forget, for the rest of my days. I woke up- and when my boyfriend text me- I instantly gave him an attiude. Since 8am we had been going back and forth- for what? I can’t even recall. Maybe I was upset at him from the day before, however that’s still no excuse. He was planning to come spend the day with me, however the pointless arguing- took up half of the day; and he was still coming. So Of course- me being impacient and just wanting him here- I gave him attitude. Denying that he was coming. Rushing him- with the terrible weather. Just a terrible mood. Well the last time I had spoke to him- without traffic he was 15 minutes away from my house. There was major traffic due to an accident, so that is what was causing the hold up. So about 5 hours go by- with me blowing up his phone, freaking out, and I hear nothing from him. Finally the 6th hour rolls around, and he text me telling me he is on the way to the hospital- because he got in a car accident. Someone hit him from behind, and he thought it was over for him. He was so thankful to be alive.
As he’s telling me this- all I could do was cry- tears of sadness, regret, selfishness, and thankfulness. Just the image that popped in my head, terrified me. The pure thought of him passing, sent chills through my body. This is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with- and to know that he could have been gone forever, horrifies me. Even as I think about it now. I felt regret and selfishness because just to think if those were his last moments here-I would have to live with the fact that I was shitty to him during his last day here. Thankful because god allowed him to still be here, and I have a chance to make right.
That day has forced me to take a greater appreciation for everything, and to stop taking our relationship for granted. I know of people, as I’m sure you do as well- who would do anything just to get a moment with a loved one that’s passed. We never know, when God’s ready for you to leave this Earth. I know we are all human, and relationships are never perfect, but you have to always make it right,don’t hold grudges, and make sure that that person knows you love them.
I thank god daily for the people I love, and regardless of the issues. I don’t ever want to go to sleep mad at anyone. Guilt is a serious weight to carry- and I still have guilt about my baby’s car accident. I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy. Use my experience as a learning tool.